old man's regrets
by Shimizu Hitomi
Summary: One-shot, sequel to "drums". Okina persuades Aoshi not to become a monk.


**Disclaimer: I don't own Rurouni Kenshin.**

**Notes: **I am currently pissed at ff.net because they ate my reviews. I can't read any that I've received since February 27th - I didn't even receive them in my email, even though my alert is turned on - and believe me, I am NOT HAPPY. Grrr. Hitomi. Is. Not. Happy. *kicks ff.net* Grr. GRR. GRRRR.

This is the sequel to "drums." Which you should probably read first, though it's not absolutely necessary. Both are part of a miniseries within a series within a series. Um. The miniseries is currently untitled, but it's part of "Fumimayou", which is a part of _Shirakawa__ Yofune_. (Yup, I finally decided to include it - See my profile for more details.)

All grammar errors are intentional, except when they're not.

~ old man's regrets ~

old man = fool

That is what he thinks, sometimes, when he looks at the cold shell of a man he once knew. But that was years ago, when {[cold man] - [darkness + anger + grief]} = {quiet + [serious/driven] + [boy/prodigy/genius]}.

He no longer knows the man, though he still knows the boy.

Sometimes he forgets and thinks boy = man. (man = boy?)

He just wants the boy (man) to be happy. Just as he wants _the girl_ to be happy.

(old man = selfish?)

But the man (boy) is not happy.

(old man = fool, but old man != stupid)

It has been more than a year since the boy (man) returned. They had welcomed him back then, though he had betrayed them before, and almost killed them. (wonders: boy/man = guilty?) And the little girl ([little girl] - little = [little girl]: old man's mind thinks = [little forever]) had been so happy. (boy/man != happy. why? why not? ... old man != stupid)

He knows why the man (boy) is not happy. (really) Because {[boy prodigy] + responsibilities} = {leader - boy}, and {[leader - boy] - followers} = 0. He knows that. (old man = guilty?)

But it has been a year. More than a year. And {[boy/man] + friends + sunshine + love} should equal something more than zero. He knows this too because he has met Himura. And he has seen that {[Himura - Battousai] + friends + sunshine + love} = {[happy Himura] - regrets + [bittersweet memories]}, and bittersweet memories do no harm.

old man = fool, but [boy/man] = [bigger fool].

There are footsteps outside, approaching his room. Who? (boy/man. who else? why? why not? old man != stupid)

_Come on in, Aoshi_,he says. _I have been expecting you._ (damn monks. why did they come? why? why did they come?)

_okina_, says the boy/man. _i__ am leaving._ (why? why not?)

_I know._ (old man != stupid)

boy/man = surprised. Did he expect a different answer? Probably.

_i__... i am going to become a monk._

_ ... I thought so._ (a monk! of all things, why a monk? ... why not?)

boy/man = confused.

_aren't__ you... going to stop me?_

(yes!) _Iya__.__ It is your decision._ (don't leave, baka!)

Silence. boy/man thinking?

_But_, he adds at last. _Have you thought carefully over this, Aoshi?_ (pointless question: boy/man thinks carefully about everything.)

_..._

No answer. (unspoken accusations)

(old man = guilty?)

_She will cry, you know._

_ ..._

No answer. (boy/man = guilty?)

_Aoshi__._ Quietly. (gentle.) _She loves you, you know._ (old man's secret, foolish wishes. boy/man + [little girl] = happy. two birds in one stone, and old man can rest in peace. old man's wishful thinking. old man = naive. old man knows.)

_..._

No answer. (_i know. i'm not blind, old man! i know she loves me. i'm not stupid. i know. i love her too. but not the way you want me to. not the way she thinks she does. i'm not stupid. i know. i love her. but..._)

_Think about it, Aoshi. Don't forget, we do care._ He knows that boy/man knows that they care, but he says it anyway. He knows too that the girl doesn't really _love_ him though she thinks she does and she does _love_ him but still, what is love? (love != love) They can marry without _loving_ each other, because they_ love_ each other anyways, and who knows? _Love_ can develop from _love_, right? (right?)****

(old man = selfish)

_... i... i will stay._ boy/man leaves the room. old man smiles though old man = guilty.

boy/man != happy

why? why not? ... old man != stupid

_It's nothing_, he whispers. _Nothing, but a foolish old man's regrets._

**_owari_**

What's really scary is that I sometimes actually _do_ think like this: Hitomi = stupid. (no, really.) [Hitomi - sleep] = !GOOD. (crazy)

^_^

Next up will be "outsider," which is sort of a prequel to both "drums" and "old man's regrets". Also planned is a companion piece called "paper cranes." (I was thinking about calling it "fly" but I changed my mind.) "paper cranes" takes place only a bit before Jinchuu. I might also write another sort-of sequel, taking place right before the cherry blossom story in the Kenshin Kaden artbook and before my other piece "Seiya no Kinen," but I don't really have a definite plan for it yet.

(Hitomi + reviews = happy)


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